Tales of the Parodyverse

Dead Boy #5:Guest-narrated by the esteemed Sir Mumphrey Wilton!


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Nats
Sun Nov 02, 2003 at 11:17:18 am EST
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Dead Boy #5
The Journal of Sir Mumphrey Wilton: In which a kindly undead chappie accompanies Mumphrey on the case of a mysterious kidnap



Went shopping today in the market bazaar down in Mangatown. Quite interesting, that. Queer stands about the place, hocking off all kinds of goods. Haggled for a nice vase, as I know Madge would’ve loved it. Felt it would’ve given me a nice uplifting feeling every time I saw it. Still, was a bit wary during the festival, but that was probably leftover feelings from fighting the blighters in the war.

My young amanuensis Ms. Asil Ashling seemed to be enjoying herself. Noticed her perusing some intriguing foodstuffs that a gentlemanly old mandarin was presenting, and treated her to a few goodies. After all, she’s proven to be quite the helpful lass in the past. Reminds me of my daughter before she lost her marbles and married that brainless sop a few years back. Dreadful business, that.

Found self doing some antiquing. Feels odd to call it antiquing, as it’s easy to remember when some of these items first appeared on the market. Discovered an excellent old radio with which I used to listen to the news with back in the day. Can still remember the good old fireside chats of the American president as he comforted his nation. Sure liked that fellow, and was most surprised when he turned out to be a space alien. Also came upon a dashing old lamp that seemed very very old. Chronometer tipped me off to a dastardly djinn hiding in the bloody thing, so I used one of my little cosmic trinkets and sent the not-genial genie into the ether, and passed it over. Sure does help to be a Minor Cosmic Office Holder sometimes. The ol’ pocket watch comes in handy quite often, whether it’s to bop some nasty oik on the head or turn back the clock so the roast doesn’t come out so charcoaled.

Speaking of pocket watches, I lost myself in some genuinely fine crafted timepieces that an elderly couple was selling. Nothing as good as the old Chronometer of course, but still excellent pieces of machinery, and certainly good to tell time with. Bought one for old times’ sake, even though I wouldn’t need it. Perhaps it’d be a nice present for my granddaughter Samantha.

Eventually found young Asil watching some kind of demonstration on Japanese culture, but it looked like a few young chaps tapping buttons on some device wildly while a portly Italian fellow in a plumber’s outfit leaped about on a television screen. In my golden days, we didn’t need such electronics to keep us occupied, why, we’d just go outdoors and go on adventures and explorations. Youth today just can’t find a way to stimulate itself. Still, video games are probably better than getting into mischief.

After getting bored by the video-optical electronic display (whatever happened to a rousing game of chess, I ask?), proceeded to wander off into what appeared to be a nice book sale. My Japanese translation skills are a tad rusty these days (the mind isn’t all what it used to be) but I found some of them to be quite interesting indeed, especially the ancient book of proverbs and prophecy. Thought that might come in handy some day, so I took it off the kind man’s hands for him. Ms. Ashling busied herself by reading some type of periodical. I asked what it was, and she told me it was something called manga, which is apparently a Japanese comic book. Didn’t really understand it all, and found it damned peculiar to read, considering the story moved from right to left, but it reminded me of old pulp magazines I used to read on business trips. Sometimes I still get misty-eyed when I remember that courageous chappie Doc Savage and the one multidimensional expedition with him I found myself on back in the thirties’.

Was a bit parched by then, and while sometimes I do enjoy a good sweet cola drink, I felt a nice cup of tea would be much more suitable. Also had a bit of the stomach rumblies, so I fetched Asil and asked if she would like something to eat. It had been a damned long time since I had eaten any Japanese cuisine and I was up for a nice challenge. Asil kindly obliged and we sought up the nearest upscale eatery. She agreed, and so we set out.

To sum up, had the finest Domburi I’d ever tasted. Young Asil seemed to enjoy her Okonomiyaki as well. However, this is not where the exciting part comes in. The exciting part came in around the time a gentleman in his later fifties’ wandered into the restaurant and started asking anyone who could speak the King’s English if they had seen a young woman in her twenties’ of about yea high with deep brown hair and deeper brown eyes. Seems the lass was his daughter and had gone missing, and he was doing his best to find her. Apparently she had an apartment nearby, and he was scouting the area.

Approached him. Asked if I could do anything to help. The chap happened to be an old acquaintance of mine, name of Walter Adams. He repeated the description of his daughter, whose name was Adeline. The esteemed Walter was English like myself. Told him I would do the best I could to help find his daughter and asked if there was anything he wasn’t telling me. Turns out there was. Informed me that he went to see her that morning and found her apartment in a state of disarray, as if it’d been ransacked. Noted answering machine messages from a certain Ms. Waltz’s law firm (Ms. Waltz would be Lisa, a super-heroine and genetic donor for my cloned amanuensis Asil, who affectionately referred to Lisa as a ‘doody-head’) that the girl hadn’t made an appearance in a few days. There was no ransom note. Poor bugger mentioned he hadn’t slept a wink since he discovered this. Decided to help out. Asked to tag along back to the girl’s apartment to see if I could dig up any clues.

So Asil, Walter, and I traveled there. There was police tape but no one was there. Stepped through it. Investigated. Gave a slight nod and a wink to Asil, who convinced Mr. Adams to walk off to another part of the apartment. Poor fellow probably thought I was convulsing, but it did the trick. Chronometer wouldn’t have enough charge to rewind the clock and see what the commotion was about, but combined with the Fountain Pen of Causality it would do the trick, and it did. Rewound the scene and watched it play out. Several blaggards in maroon robes and hoods burst in and grabbed the lass, proceeded to ransack the abode, and then absconded with her. By the time Asil returned with Mr. Adams, I had restored the present moment.

Informed Mr. Adams that I may just be able to find his daughter and told him to go fetch the local constabulary. Figured that’d give me time to deal with the cad that was hiding in the closet. Froze time around the bounder and then threw open the doors.

Chronometer informed me that the chappie in the closet was immune to age, and judging from his pale skin, stringy hair, and ragged demeanor I figured the poor lad was undead. Decided to see what this was all about and unfroze him. He saw me come out of nowhere, at least from his perspective, and tried to thrash me. I slowed him down with a quick tap of a stud on the ol’ pocket watch and stepped out of his way, tripping him for good measure. Pointed my umbrella at him threateningly and asked what he was doing there.

Fellow called himself Dead Boy and said he was on a mission to look for a girl that had been kidnapped. Said he worked for the government or somesuch and was a good guy. I told Asil not to bop him on the head with a lamp like she was planning to do.

The undead johnnie continued. Informed us that he was supposed to be after some mystical item that a cult of robed individuals was heard to possess. Eventually but slowly managed to gather enough clues and information to track them to this apartment but came too late to rescue the girl. Was investigating when we stumbled in, which explained the hiding-in-the-closet bit.

Figured Asil and I could use some help, and agreed to let the nice cadaver chap tag along. He disagreed, saying that, if anything, we were the ones tagging along with him. Eventually gave up and set out on the search. Figured that since, according to Dead Boy, that the robed kidnappers worked out of the area, we began to search the places most likely for cultish oiks to be hiding out in.

Abandoned studio lot turned out to be the place. Found the nefarious devils in some kind of ritual, chanting and the whatnot while the poor young lady Adeline was tied to a post in front of some mystical symbol painted on the wall. Recognized the symbol and knew we’d be in trouble if they finished the ritual, so I decided to do something about it. Instructed Dead Boy to go around the other side and break up their little hubbub. Figured if he caused enough hullabaloo the lad would be able to interrupt the nefarious felons. Also, it’d give me enough of a distraction in order to rescue the young miss. Dead Boy told me that he didn’t take orders from me, but proceeded to do what I said because he’d been planning to do it anyway. Odd chap.

When I saw that he was in position I turned a small knob on the pocket watch and transported the chains around the fetching young lass about thirty seconds into the future, which gave her a considerable amount of time to become confused and try to escape, which proved to be considerable enough chaos to allow Dead Boy to heroically bash through the window and leap into the fray. Asil and I followed suit.

Quickly lashed out with my umbrella, catching one of the robed fellows around the neck with its handle. Pulled him toward me and then socked the nasty blighter right on the mandible with a left hook. Felt thirty-two again. Noticed Asil kicking the legs out from under another one of the fiends. Dead Boy had two of them teaming up on him, but he managed to fight back pretty handily. However, it came to my attention that the final number of the hooded rapscallions was reaching for the young Ms. Adams with some queer-shaped dagger.

Used the Chronometer to slow the bugger down so that the lass could get out of the way in time, but did not expect to see Dead Boy pull out a pistol and shoot the offender. Quickly unwound time and then sent the bullet two minutes into the future. The robed chap might’ve been a devious sot, but that was no reason to kill the poor bounder. Finished the action by bopping him over the head with the pocket watch.

Asil consoled the young lady as I conversed with Dead Boy about the necessity of a firearm. He seemed to like the weapon, but I told him nothing’s better than a punch to the nose when it comes to the kind of fellows heroes meet on a daily basis. Dead Boy wasn’t sure if he was a hero, and if he wanted to be. I told him he’d find a way to sort it out in time, and that I had faith in his abilities. That seemed to pick him up. Figured it would be best that we inform Mr. Adams of his child’s rescue and call up the local authorities to sort out the mess of unconscious villains. After all, these cultish types were planning to dredge up the demon serpent lord Bazaleth with a ritual human sacrifice, and I didn’t want to meet up with the nasty beast-god again. Barely escaped from him the first time back in 1882.

Mr. Adams was pleased indeed to have his daughter safe and sound again, and I think she and the young chappie Dead Boy hit it off quite well. I’d say he seemed quite smitten with her, but that’s none of my business. Retired for the evening and wrote down this account as it is here. I’m also sure Asil is busy sending one of those electronic mails to her hero Visionary. Still not sure where the electronic mailmen come in, but I suppose I can always find out that kind of thing later. In closing, the day’s adventures seemed quite thrilling, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I met up with that undead lad again in the future. Seems like he’ll go far in this world, no matter how crazy it is. Also note: the vase looks quite dashing on the fireplace mantle. Madge surely would’ve adored it.

Sir Mumphrey Wilton KBE GCB GCMG CGVO FRS

<Next time around: We follow up on Adeline and her encounters with our mysterious hero Dead Boy. Stay tuned, ladies and gentlemen. The ride gets bumpier.





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